Valentine’s Day can be a day of love and laughter, or, Valentine’s Day can be a day of bitterness and tears (or sometimes- like I have done – you’re indifferent and just totally forget it’s Valentine’s Day altogether until you start seeing way way too many people wearing red and pink). Regardless, if you are a single lady (like me) on tomorrow’s Hallmark Holiday there are 10 things that you most certainly should not do on Valentine’s Day…
1. Call/Text/Facebook/Email Your Ex.
Yes you may miss them, but there are 364 other days this year that you can cave in and contact them without it being a day that is specifically designated to romance and love. This will do one of two things: send him the wrong signal, or piss off his current girlfriend should he have one. [Do not attempt to get out of this rule by being a smartass and showing up at your ex’s house…that is borderline creepy and crossing into stalker territory.]
2. Buy Chocolate.
Because on the 15th it will be 50% off. Wait just one more day. No reason to not be able to benefit from the overstock of tasty goodness that all of the stores will be dying to get rid of. I would be more than happy to take it off their hands: milk, dark, white, almond, caramel infused, cocoa powdered, bittersweet, semisweet… I do not discriminate. Especially with a price tag that is cut in half. So restrain one day longer, darlings!
3. Post depressing and bitter FB statuses or tweets about how today just makes you wish you had a boyfriend.
Happy couples will not pity you. Men will not see this and think, “Wow, she’s the one for me! The lifelong search is over!”. You will buzzkill those who are a part of a happy couple, and make your sane single friends cringe on your behalf. [If you really DO “wish you had a boyfriend”, then type match.com into the web browser- not facebook.com]
4. Correct everyone who says, “Happy Valentine’s Day!” by saying, “Single’s Awareness Day!”
Don’t. Just, don’t. I am single, and I don’t even like when people do it. This will not ensue a high five, a “right on!”, or a spontaneous last minute valentine- it will just cause a moment of awkwardness and a thought that crosses their mind going something like: “that poor darkened soul”.
5. Sit at home with a bottle of wine and a box of truffles having a date with your Netflix account.
Steer clear from watching any movie that involves Ryan Gosling or Leonardo DiCaprio. You may think it’s a cute coach potato date with your Hollywood crush, but be careful that you don’t end up even more depressed that you don’t have “a relationship like theirs”. [Plus- why would you want a relationship like Rose and Jack’s anyways? It lasted for a mere few weeks and he died hanging off of a platform that had more than enough room for the two of them.]
6. Go on a first date.
Three words: too. much. pressure. You will be going to dinner and a movie talking about how you have a cat named Betsy and he secretly likes to watch “The Bachelor” on Monday nights while couples around you will be getting three dozen roses, diamond rings, hand-written poems, and serenaded with pitchy quartets. Valentine’s day is like date night on steroids, and will make your first date look like a beginner skiier next to a Sochi Olympian Slalom gold medalist.
7. Get drunk.
You WILL break rule #1… It’s a given.
8. Go out to eat at any restaurant that is even remotely romantic.
This is not the time to hit up your local Cheesecake Factory or Maggiano’s- your single self will be surrounded with couples kissing between courses and lovers playing footsies under the table. May I suggest a Denny’s if you must go out to dinner tomorrow night. As for me? I will be ordering Thai take-out.
9. Wait for a last minute invitation.
Do not sit by your phone all dressed up with nowhere to go and waiting for a guy you’re crushin’ on to spontaneously text you and ask you to be his Valentine. Unless your love life is being orchestrated by Chris Harrison and a highly trained team of reality television professionals, then it will not happen. Take initiative tomorrow, and make plans for yourself that will make you happy!
10. Walk past a pet store.
Undoubtedly, you WILL buy a dog…