How to handle a breakup like a lady:
1. Cut your bangs with some rusty kitchen scissors
2. Scream his name ‘til the neighbors call the cops
3. Numb the pain at the expense of your liver
4. Stop taking advice from Miranda Lambert.
Okay, for real though, we all can be just a little bit dramatic…and who wouldn’t be with a freshly broken heart!? Although it’s way easier said than done, we have come up with some advice for handling a breakup like a lady, rather than handling it in a way that will give you the grand title of “crazy psycho ex-girlfriend”.
- 1. Grab the girls. There’s no need to go crying to the Facebook Newsfeed, or complain to every poor soul that asks “how are you holding up?”. That’s what your besties are for. Pick two or three of your closest girl friends to vent to, and then be done with it. Involving everyone and their mother (literally, their mothers, I mean hello half of them are friends with me on Facebook) will only make you look pathetic and draw negative attention to yourself.
- 2. “Hobbies” is your new middle name. Your Friday nights are now free! You save hours not needing to look for the perfect anniversary gift! Don’t see this as a bad thing, make the most of it! Take that art class you’ve been wanting to try, join the rec soccer team, finally learn French, cook your cares away- whatever it is that you love to do- DO IT! What better way to fill your newfound free time than with what you love to do and with what makes you happy.
- 3. Make it a clean break. Although there are a few who can prove me wrong, let me just say that “but let’s still be friends” is a plan that is never going to work. At least not for a long time. So don’t even try to attempt it. People who do this are the reason that Facebook had to create the “It’s Complicated” category (bet you always wondered what that was for, didnt you?). Making a clean break allows for you to fully move on and do it without your “friend” lurking around risking bringing back old memories or even worse a “friends with benefits” situation.
- 4. A date with your iPod. Make a girl power playlist to have on standby for whenever you start to feel sad about the breakup. Never underestimate the power of music! Sometimes all I need to cheer me up is a long drive with my windows down, belting Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone”.
- 5. Go ahead- spoil yourself. They say the best revenge is to live a happy life. Well then, don’t mind if I do! Instead of keying his car or smashing his laptop, go get your nails done or buy that new shade of lipstick you’ve been dying to try!
- 6. Leave the gossip to TMZ. No, you are not Kim Kardashian star of a reality TV show that is dependent of you pouring your life out to the world and sharing your deepest darkest secrets. Steer clear of social media- there’s nothing worse than airing out your dirty laundry for the world to see. Let them think that you’re better off without him, and that you’re handling the entire breakup like a lady.
- 7. Last, but certainly not least- don’t be a stalker. As much as you’re dying to see if he has moved on or has resorted to staring at pictures of the two of you while crying like a baby, DON’T. Just don’t. Don’t ask his friends how he’s doing, don’t enlist your besties as your personal spies, don’t make it a point to know everywhere he has “checked in” on FB this past week, and especially don’t sit outside his house and wait for him to live his life while you should be out there living yours (I seriously know someone who has done this, so apparently it needs mentioning).
Handle your breakup like a lady, make him wish that he had treated you like a gentleman. Make sure that when he’s surrounded by his boys and a bucket of beer, you’ve given him no reason to call you the
“crazy psycho ex-girlfriend” and he has nothing but lovely things to say about you, lady.