As wedding season comes to an end, and yet another round of friends join the 2,118,000 other married couples in our fine country, us single gals are left being questioned by society about our eligibility, stability, and fertility by those around us. As a rule, there are just certain things that you shouldn’t say to the twenty-something single gal…
1. Why are you single? You’re so cool!
This is like the backhanded and undercover way of asking: “hey, you seem pretty normal on the outside, what’s secretly wrong with you that makes you so incredibly undateable?”. This is typically a difficult question to answer, as I have NO IDEA why I’m single, and your guess is as good as mine. At this point the single gal awkwardly chuckles for a moment or two biding time to decipher if this is a jab at singledom, or a compliment for being so goshdarn awesome.
2. “When are you going to join the engaged club!?”
First of all, I don’t believe I’ve been in a club since chess in 7th grade- or at least one that didn’t include a DJ, creepy old men, and drunk girls attempting to twerk. And second of all, I believe you need a boyfriend or something to begin looking into a club of that caliber, no? Third of all, where might the restroom be? I think I might lose my lunch.
3. “You need to stop going for the bad boys.”
Now, this one always puzzles me, as I never know they are the aforementioned, “bad”, until I walk in on them making out with another woman, or get 3am phone call from the police station.
4. “Will you be bringing a plus one?”
This one is particularly tricky during wedding season. The optimist in me says “yes”, the realist in me says “yeah right”, and then I put aside the wedding invitation due to indecisiveness and hopefulness that I’ll meet someone before the wedding, and then I miss the RSVP deadline and end up sitting in the only open seat, at the kiddie table, during the reception.
5. “You need to stop going to bars to meet men.”
I don’t go to bars to meet men, I go to bars to medicate the fact that I don’t have a man. If I happen to meet a man while doing so, then so be it!
6. “Are you lonely?”
Lonely?! Psh, how can one be lonely when she has Ben and Jerry to keep her company at night!?
7. “You’re just too picky!”
You’re right… let me just say “take me now” to the next man who cat calls me on my way back to my vehicle at the Circle K. Promising.
8. You’re better than them!
I spend the next few moments trying to decipher if this is more a diss to the man I’m seeing, or to my own personal judgement…
9. Sooooo… are you seeing anyone??
Well now, if I WAS, I certainly wouldn’t be spending my Friday night with YOU, now would I? I believe I’ve made my point.
10. *innocently standing around at friends wedding and gets pushed into a hoard of single girls all attempting to acquire a floral arrangement*
It’s like the 75th annual Hunger Games, except I’m not the one volunteering my tribute.
11. “You’re too busy to meet someone!”
Shall I instead clear my schedule for “a date with destiny” and see what happens? Should I actually ever become “less busy” this excess free time would most certainly be filled with Netflix binges and stalking Pinterest.
12. “You’re afraid of commitment!”
*Gasp!* I thought my therapist and I had a confidentially agreement!!!
13. “You’re going to be an old single cat lady!”
Actually, this one is probably true. I should start thinking of pet names…
14. “You’re always seeing someone new, I can never keep track!”
This one’s all you, Tinder.
15. “Wow, you’re such a catch!”
Oh stopppp it. Tell me something I don’t know. No really, tell me something I don’t know- like where are all the tall dark and handsomes hiding out these days?
16. “Let’s sign you up on Match Dot Com!”
I have so many initial reactions to this… most of which include physical contact.
17. “OMG! I have a single friend- I’ll set you up!”
That’s the thing about being single- your married friends want to set you up with someone you have a lot in common with- aka someone else who’s single.
18. “It’s okay that it didn’t work out- there are plenty of fish in the sea!”
This little classic of a line has made girls grit their teeth and flash a fake one since its origin in 1573.
19. “Do you… you know… like girls?”
It is fascinating how simply being 25 and single suddenly changes your orientation.
20. Any form of dating advice coming from someone who obtained a marriage license before they were old enough to legally consume alcohol.
To which I say, the best of luck to you.
For those of you to whom it applies, Cheers to Singledom, darlings! May you get an abundance of right swipes on Tinder, may you never find yourself stooping so low as to go sightseeing in Abercrombie, and may your cats always love you!